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On Strike
written by Sharon “Tut” LaBorde
1 INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT
We can’t see anything, because the room is pitch black, but suddenly we hear a loud THUMPING sound, as though someone is tapping on a microphone.
STARSCREAM: Testing...one, two...testing...
A flashlight turns on, and we see Starscream’s face close-up in its yellow beam...almost like something out of a bad outtake from The Blair Witch Project.
STARSCREAM: (clears throat) Ahem! Picture a fan going on a journey beyond sight and sound. They’ve entered a realm where nothing is as it seems, and where the principles of this world do not exist--including rational thought. It is a realm called...fanfiction.
The theme to The Twilight Zone begins to play for emphasis.This continues for a moment, but gets interrupted by the SCRATCH of a record and a flood of lights. Starscream turns to see fifteen year-old TUT LaREINE standing at the doorway with her finger at the light switch.
TUT: Starscream, what’re you doing in my room?
STARSCREAM: Ssshh! Keep it down! And for Cybertron’s sake, close that door!
With a HISS, the pneumatic door shuts behind Tut. She walks toward the center of the spacious room--we can tell it was built for a Transformer but commandeered by a typical teenager.
TUT: What’s with you, man? You’re acting all paranoid.
STARSCREAM: Ah, well, Tut, my contemptibly spunky human ally...you see, I--
She gives him a skeptical stare.
STARSCREAM: (Irritated) Introductory dialogue, Tut, it’s to help the stupids.
TUT: Oh...(beat) So why are you in my room?
STARSCREAM: Much as I hate to say this... (sighs) I’m on strike and I needed a place to lay low.
TUT: On strike? But I thought most of you G1 guys’ve been outta work since 1988!
STARSCREAM: Yes, we have. (softly to himself) Though I still owe that rat fink of an agent who negotiated my movie contract a good swift--ahem! (louder) But anyway, it’s not the studios I’m striking against--it’s the fanfiction writers.
TUT: Well, what’s so bad about fanfiction?
STARSCREAM: (mocking Tut) ‘What’s so bad about fanfiction?’ Of course you’d say that, you are a fanfiction character. But have you looked at this stuff?
Starscream tosses a thick stack of printed material in front of Tut. She sits down and begins perusing it as he continues:
STARSCREAM: You wouldn’t believe some of the things they’re having us do in these blasted things! (leans close and whispers) Half of them have me being gay!
Tut looks incredulous. She peeks through another stack, then looks away with disgust.
TUT: Ew...what’s that stack?
STARSCREAM: Oh, that’s the “TF Smut”. Careful, kid, it’ll rot your brain.
TUT: (stands up) Whoa, no kidding. (beat) Hey, Star, since you’re here, care to wait for a pizza with me?
STARSCREAM: WHAT?! Delivery--here?!? You’ll ruin my cover! Really, Tut, why couldn’t you just get DiGiorno?
TUT: (shrugs) Since when do teenagers cook?
Starscream looks away, exhasperated.
2 EXT. THE HIDEOUT - EVENING
Tucked between barren mountain peaks above and forested valley below is a decidedly Cybertronian-looking castle. Its dingy steel towers look worn but still foreboding, and adorning its center spire is a wooden sign with a message scrawled across it: “TF Hideout! Keep Out! --This means you!”
A twisty, winding road leads up to the main entrance.
3 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Starscream leans against a wall idly while Tut paces.
TUT: Man, why’d they have to lose the “thirty minutes or three bucks off” rule?
Starscream doesn’t even look up.
STARSCREAM: Because Blurr quit working for minimum wage.
Tut turns on her heel and begins to pace another row, but stops cold when the pneumatic entrance HISSES open and GALVATRON strides in. Starscream looks up and GASPS.
GALVATRON: That’s the last time I let Cyclonus cook for the troops--YOU!
Starscream and Galvatron raise weapons at each other and speak in unison.
BOTH: What are YOU doing here?!
GALVATRON: What am I doing here? I’m on strike! I’ve had it with fanfic writers that want to kill me off, just because I’m not as cool as their favorite little G1 Megatron! Bah!
STARSCREAM: You’re on strike?! That was my idea, you stole it!
Galvatron fires on the wall beside Starscream, leaving a scorch mark and a puff of smoke--enough to get the point across.
GALVATRON: Whose idea was it?
STARSCREAM: Ah, heh-heh...yours, Galvatron. Nevermind...
GALVATRON: (glaring) Thank you.
Suddenly, the computer console at the front of the room starts to BEEP.
TELETRAN 9000: Security alert, security alert...intruder at main entrance.
Galvatron goes over to the console and activates the viewscreen.
GALVATRON: I thought I told those stupid femmebots, no more Mary Kay cosmetics! How does Prime ever put up with them?
Onscreen, a run-down looking car sporting a Domino’s pizza sign on the roof stops in front of the main entrance. A uniformed delivery boy steps out with his precious cargo--a medium two-topping pizza, to be precise.
TUT: Hey, my pizza’s here!
GALVATRON: A delivery human? Here?!
Galvatron taps a few buttons on the computer.
GALVATRON: He won’t live to tell anyone about our secret base!
4 EXT. THE HIDEOUT - MAIN ENTRANCE
From almost out of nowhere, gun turrets across the base swivel around and lock on the delivery boy’s position. Galvatron’s snarling voice echoes from the loudspeakers.
GALVATRON (offscreen): And just what do you think you’re doing here, flesh creature?!
The delivery boy lets go of the pizza, drops to his knees and begins to wail.
DELIVERY BOY: I was only five minutes late, I promise! Please don’t kill me, please, I only get $5.15 an hour!
5 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Galvatron scowls.
GALVATRON: Whining humans! I hate it when they beg!
TUT: Come on, Galv, you’re gonna cost me my dinner!
GALVATRON: But what if he’s a Transfan? He’ll blow our cover for sure!
TUT: (shrugs) Ask him, maybe he isn’t.
This makes Galvatron think for a moment.
GALVATRON: Oh, alright...but if he is, he’s toast! (into the microphone) Answer my question, human: is Starscream gay?
STARSCREAM: WHAT?!? You overgrown leaf-blower, I--
6 EXT. THE HIDEOUT - MAIN ENTRANCE
The pizza boy, still trembling, looks up in confusion.
DELIVERY BOY: Huh?
GALVATRON (offscreen): Alright then, who is Primus?
7 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Galvatron looks at Tut as he speaks.
GALVATRON: If he answers, “A stupid character from the G1 comic”, I might let him live.
The second answer from outside is just as confused as the first.
DELIVERY BOY: Uhh...didn’t they do the South Park theme?
Tut and Galvatron exchange another look.
TUT: Dude, we’re fine. This guy’s so clueless, I bet he thinks “Diaclone” is a character in Episode II.
After a long, scowling moment, Galvatron manipulates the computer targeting systems.
8 EXT. THE HIDEOUT - MAIN ENTRANCE
The gun turrets re-adjust their positions, causing the delivery boy to lose his nerve. He abandons the pizza, Heat Wave bag and all, with a SHRIEK as he bolts for his car-- a dark blue, beat-up Geo Metro.
9 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Galvatron notices this on the viewscreen.
GALVATRON: Wait a minute! No one drives a Metro in my presence and lives!
10 EXT. THE HIDEOUT - MAIN ENTRANCE
Tires SCREECH, and the Metro accelerates as hard as its three-cylinder engine will go. Behind it, the guns turrets unleash a barrage of laserfire. The car swerves madly, barely escaping several cannon blasts, then quickly disappears down the narrow, twisting road into the forest. After a moment, the still-smoking gun turrets swivel back to their resting positions.
Doors part open, and Tut steps out to retrieve her pizza. As she picks it up, she looks around and SIGHS.
TUT: And this time I actually had the money.
11 INT. TUT’S ROOM - LATER
Tut sits cross-legged on her unmade bed, happily devouring a slice of pizza. At one end of the room Galvatron sits on the floor, sullenly contemplating his interlaced fingers. At the extreme opposite end Starscream sits with arms folded, hatefully eying Galvatron every so often.
GALVATRON: This is pathetic, I hate being out of work! And I hate not seeing any action!
Tut takes a long drink from her canned Coke.
TUT: I dunno, Galv; you may be outta work, but at the rate you’re going I’ll be out of places willing to deliver by the end of the month.
GALVATRON: (continuing) More than all of that, I despise fanfiction!
STARSCREAM: Don’t get me started.
Everyone looks up as the door CHIMES, sounding out the first few bars of the “Green Acres” theme in MIDI-music.
TUT: I hate that doorbell... (louder) Come in!
The door opens and HOT ROD walks in.
HOT ROD: Hey, I smell pizza-- (stops) Decepticons!
He raises his arm-mounted lasers defensively. Galvatron and Starscream both jump to their feet, and Galvatron levels his cannon at Hot Rod.
GALVATRON: Show the proper respect, Autobot!
HOT ROD: Go to hail, Galvatron, alright?! Don’t give me that slag, I’m on strike!
STARSCREAM: Here we go again...
GALVATRON: Why shold you be on strike? I thought the fans liked you.
HOT ROD: Yeah, sure--(counts off on his fingers)--when they don’t think I’m evil, a wuss leader or a camper trailer!
TUT: So is that what the line about the “flaming Winnebago” was all about? Hah, hah!
Tut falls over on her bed laughing. Hot Rod throws up his hands in disgust.
HOT ROD: See what I mean? No respect...
STARSCREAM: Then sit down and join the club. Besides, I may have found a way to solve our problems.
GALVATRON: Yeah? If it’s anything like your plans for leadership, then it should crumble any minute! (laughs)
This infuriates Starscream. He rushes Galvatron, and they both slam into the wall.
STARSCREAM: You rustbucket, you’ll pay for that! Unh!
Tut and Hot Rod duck behind her bed (although Tut finds much more cover than Hot Rod) while the two Decepticons duke it out. Human and Autobot watch, wincing with every blow that connects. Finally, Galvatron throws Starscream in the direction of the doors and rushes after him.
12 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TUT’S ROOM
OPTIMUS PRIME and MEGATRON are walking down the hallway and conversing. They stop when, without warning, Starscream lands in front of them and Galvatron leaps on top of him a split-second later.
GALVATRON: This time I’ll kill you permanently, you--
Both combatants stop struggling immediately when they notice that they have an audience. They slowly, sheepishly look up at Megatron and Prime and smile.
STARSCREAM: Uh, aheheh, heh...greetings, mighty one.
He is met with a witheringly cynical stare.
MEGATRON: Starscream...is there something you haven’t told me after all these years?
Galvatron and Starscream look at each other, realize the compromising position they’re both in, then scramble to their feet.
STARSCREAM: N-nothing, Megatron! We were just, ah--
MEGATRON: Oh, can it, Starscream! Three years of your onscreen whining was enough.
Prime starts to head into the room.
PRIME: What’s going on in here?
13 INT. TUT’S ROOM
Prime enters the room, followed by Megatron, Galvatron and Starscream. The latter two rub jaws and shoulders hit particularly hard in their tussle. Hot Rod steps aside to make room while Tut sits down on her bed again.
TUT: Come on in, guys, the pizza’s cold.
The door shuts behind Starscream, and as everyone else sits down he addresses the group.
STARSCREAM: Now, as I was saying before...(clears throat) Obviously, we’re all here for the same reason: we’re striking against Transfans who write fanfiction.
At the mere mention of the word, Prime seems to choke up. He puts a hand to his faceplate and looks away--you’d swear he was about to cry, if Transformers could. Megatron, sitting nearby, glares at Starscream.
MEGATRON: (icily) Keep this brief, Starscream.
Continuing, Starscream pulls out his two stacks of printouts.
STARSCREAM: I have here for your examination some of the material in question.
MEGATRON: Hah! You think you have a collection? Here’s all the-- fanfiction--they’ve written about Prime and myself!
Megatron opens a subspace compartment, and a veritable flood of paper spills out. It all but buries his lap, spilling onto the floor in the middle of the room. Everyone looks on, mouths agape. Prime simply pulls a can of beer out of his own subspace pocket, pops it open and takes a long gulp.
PRIME: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking.
HOT ROD: Where’d you get all this stuff?
MEGATRON: Trust me, you don’t want to know.
Since Megatron happened to sit down in front of her bed, Tut can lean over his shoulder in curiousity.
TUT: How far back does this stuff go?
MEGATRON: Years. You see, Prime and I were the first to go on strike-- why do you think someone else did my lines in “The Agenda”?
TUT: Yeah, those Beast Wars guys are so lucky, they don’t have to put up with fan stories.
Megatron pulls his own vice out of a pocket--a pack of cigarettes. His expression remains stern and cynical throughout as he taps one out of the pack and lights it.
MEGATRON: I know. It’s enough to make you pick up a habit. (takes a drag off his cigarette) Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop smoking.
Tut waves the smoke away from her face.
TUT: Ew, yuck! (coughs) Aren’t you worried about that screwing with your voice?
MEGATRON: Do you think a commanding, gravelly voice like this comes naturally? I was reading stupid lines about a ‘Mystery Machine’ before this.
TUT: Oh.
Hot Rod has picked up one of the stapled documents and begun reading it. After a few moments, his pale blue optics widen and he holds the paper further away from himself.
HOT ROD: What?! I didn’t know we could have sex!
TUT: Huh? Lemme see some of that.
Megatron hands another stapled fanfic over his shoulder, still smoking his cigarette.
MEGATRON: Be my guest.
She takes the papers and starts reading. After a moment, the door opens again as SOUNDWAVE and CYCLONUS enter.
CYCLONUS: There you are, mighty Galvatron...(looks around) What on Charr is going on here?
TUT: (Without looking up) We’re reading fanfiction, care to join? There’s plenty of this stuff to go around.
SOUNDWAVE: Have some more.
Soundwave opens his cassette compartment, spilling out a ream of material almost as big as Megatron’s. RUMBLE pops out along with the papers.
RUMBLE: Hey, it’s about time you got rid of that crap! It was startin’ ta smell in there!
Soundwave SIGHS, a wierd scratchy synthesized sound, then heads with Cyclonus to the back of the room where the two sit down.
CYCLONUS: I deplore fanfiction. After Soundwave here read some, I had to personally stop him from killing his tapes in an attempt to save his reputation.
Saying nothing, Soundwave pulls out a bong and offers it to Cyclonus.
SOUNDWAVE: Wrong week to quit.
By this point everyone has a copy of some type of fanfiction and is absorbed in reading. The room is silent for several minutes. Finally Tut looks over at Megatron.
TUT: You--a hero? What show were these people watching?
HOT ROD: Yeah, I could swear my contract was the one that said “good guy”.
More silence. Galvatron gives up, tossing papers aside in disgust. Starscream and Soundwave follow suit, but everyone else is still lost in horrified fascination.
MEGATRON: How revolting! Like I would even touch Starscream! What will these Transfans think of next, that I tried to score with a ninj--
By this point Megatron has continued skimming down the page and found something that makes him stop in mid-sentence. His red optics widen, and he takes a deep puff on his cigarette.
MEGATRON: They did... (flicks away cigarette) Soundwave, give me that bong.
Starscream stands up, indignant.
STARSCREAM: You see?! Something must be done before it’s too late! Are you ready to hear my plan now?
Megatron tosses his reading material back onto the pile.
MEGATRON: Hmph. Brace yourselves: alright, Starscream, what’s your idea?
STARSCREAM: It’s simple: we all know that Transfans write fanfiction when they’re not watching the episodes. So we get somebody to put the series back on video again. Then the fans will be too busy buying tapes and watching them to write fanfiction!
CYCLONUS: Hmmm. We’ll need to find a video company looking for a quick buck.
Galvatron is skeptical.
GALVATRON: Oh, yeah? Well, in all your brilliance, Starscream, did you think of what to do when all those new videos make new fans?
HOT ROD: Much as I hate to say it, Galvatron, you’re right. There are thousands of nostalgic Gen-Xer’s out there looking for an excuse.
TUT: Oh, no. That means more fans--and more fanfiction....
STARSCREAM: And I already submitted the proposal to Kid Rhino Video...
SOUNDWAVE: We’re screwed.
Optimus Prime finally stands up.
PRIME: Not necessarily. Remember, Beast Wars just ended and I hear that Beast Machines isn’t far behind. Any day now, they’ll have their own fair share of bad fanfiction. So in the meantime, let’s just kick back and enjoy the show.
Tut grabs a remote from beside her bed and turns on the t.v.
TUT: Good idea, Prime!
Everyone gathers around, the lights go dim, and on the t.v. set the opening to Beast Machines begins.
PRIME: Soundwave, pass me that bong.
THE END
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