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Retirement Sucks
by Sharon "Tut" LaBorde
1. EXT. OUTSIDE THE TF HIDEOUT - DAY
A sharp SCREECH pierces the still air above the treetops surrounding the Transformers' hidden castle--it is LASERBEAK, who banks and turns toward the tallest spire clutching a cloth sack in his black metal talons. After a moment he disappears into an open window.
2. INT. MAIN HALL
Several Transformers are sitting around a circular kitchen table. MEGATRON has his feet propped up on the table, a book in his lap and a pair of reading glasses perched on the end of his sharp, angular nose. OPTIMUS PRIME has one leg crossed over the other and a glass of seltzer water in one hand while TUT sits on the table across from Megatron's feet, playing cards with HOT ROD and SOUNDWAVE.
SOUNDWAVE: (sets his hand down) Black jack.
TUT: (tosses cards down) Man, this game is tough. I fold.
Just as Hot Rod follows suit, Laserbeak swoops into the room through an open window and lets go of the mail bag with a SQUAWK before transforming and returning to Soundwave's chest. The mail bag drops straight for the table, forcing Tut to dive toward Megatron's feet.
TUT: INCOMING!
Megatron doesn't even look up as the bag plops onto the table.
MEGATRON: Mail's here.
HOT ROD: Soundwave, you've got to stop reading Harry Potter books to your tapes.
SOUNDWAVE: Thundercracker's idea, not mine.
Megatron folds his book and takes his feet off the table.
MEGATRON: Care to open royalty checks, Prime?
OPTIMUS: (reaches for mail bag) Certainly. Hasbro keeps reusing our names, we keep getting our percentage.
The others follow suit while Tut looks on. Hot Rod opens his envelope and takes out a letter.
HOT ROD: Hey, I got gypped!
TUT: What, no check?
HOT ROD: Yeah, all because Mattel owns my name now; I oughta sue! Like hell I'm changing my name to 'Rodimus Major'...
OPTIMUS: I can't solve the name problem, but I'll split my check with you. There's enough crap with my name on it to go around.
HOT ROD: Thanks, Prime.
MEGATRON: (CACKLES as he sorts mail) Looks like Starscream's got another fat check...wait 'till he finds out half of it's in yen, hahahaha.
As if on cue, STARSCREAM walks in.
STARSCREAM: What's so funny? Is Armada on again?
MEGATRON: No, but Takara's re-releases of you are doing splendid... (hands him the envelope) Hope the exchange rate is doing better! (chuckles)
STARSCREAM: (snatches envelope) At least mine will make it to the States soon, Mr. Poster Child for Gun Control!
Tut rolls her eyes and props her chin on her hand. Soundwave leans back in his chair and folds his hands behind his head.
SOUNDWAVE: Just like old times.
HOT ROD: Guys, I hate to be a killjoy, but what're we gonna do with this month's checks?
STARSCREAM: (puts a hand on his hip) Well, do we need any supplies?
SOUNDWAVE: Already sent Rumble and Frenzy.
3. INT. SUPERMARKET - SAME TIME
We cut to a Super Wal-Mart, where people flee screaming before a shopping cart that's barreling through an aisle. FRENZY pushes it in a mad dash while RUMBLE rides inside with a pile of random groceries.
RUMBLE: Whee!
FRENZY: Outta my way, grandma!
RUMBLE: (checks a list) Uh, where do we find "New York" Texas garlic toast?
4 INT. HIDEOUT - MAIN HALL
MEGATRON: You did what?
Soundwave just shrugs.
HOT ROD: How about a worthy charity?
TUT: You mean one that's not linked to al-Qaeda or the Republican party?
HOT ROD: Eh, what's the difference?
STARSCREAM: Tut, you're a teenager, you should be full of ways to blow expendable income.
TUT: (scratches head) Uh...spend it on a collection?
Silence ensues. Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, Hot Rod and Optimus all share looks, then level a collective gaze at Tut.
ALL: NO!
TUT: (deflated) Oh...okay. (brightens) Well, how about a party?
OPTIMUS: The last time we tried a party we let Blaster deejay and the Dinobots started a mosh pit.
TUT: Woohoo! Sounds like fun!
HOT ROD: You wanna pay for everything when FEMA declares this place a disaster area?
Before Tut can come up with an appropriate comeback, loudspeakers sound an ALARM.
LOUDSPEAKER: Security alert, security alert...intruders at main entrance.
Starscream narrows his optics at Tut.
TUT: Hey, I didn't order anything!
That said, everyone rushes to the computer room.
5 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
This time Megatron taps in a few controls at the wall-length terminal. Everyone clusters around him.
HOT ROD: Who could've found us this time?
MEGATRON: Whoever they are, I'll blow them off the map.
6 EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE TO HIDEOUT
The base's gun turrets swivel in unison and lock onto the area right in front of the door. The group of intruders take notice.
RATTRAP: Oh, man! We're all...gonna die.
DINOBOT: [snrr] That's what you said last time, rodent.
RATTRAP: Yeah, and look what happened to you, chopper-face!
7 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
Tut jumps up and down like a little kid, but from a Transformer-eye view all we can see is Hot Rod step aside and look down.
TUT: Lemme see, lemme see!
Hot Rod picks her up.
TUT: Hey, wait, Megs! Is that who I think it is?
Megatron curls his lip with contempt.
MEGATRON: I believe it is.
8 EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE
MEGATRON: (over loudspeaker) Explain to me in six seconds or less why I should let you live.
PRIMAL: (steps forward) Because we're fellow Cybertronians, and we have just as much right to asylum--
Beast Wars Megatron cuts him off, waving his hand.
BW MEGATRON: Really, Primal, you're so politically correct it's disgusting. Let me handle this, hm? (to Megatron) Listen; we recently have reached a similar state of unemployment as yourselves.
The other Beast Wars and Beast Machines characters begin to roll their optics.
BW MEGATRON: We'd like to discuss some things with you, Predacon to Decepticon...
Primal and crew fold their arms expectantly.
BW MEGATRON: (irritated) And Maximal to Autobot, of course.
9 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
HOT ROD: So what do we do?
STARSCREAM: Either we can kill them now, or I get to put up with Terrosaur doing impressions of me ad nauseum.
MEGATRON: Once again, Starscream, you miss the point. We lull them into a false sense of security, then kill them.
OPTIMUS: I hate to say it, Megatron, but you're missing something too.
Starscream points a finger mockingly at Megatron, who just glares.
MEGATRON: And just what is that?
OPTIMUS: They're off the air. You can't kill them.
STARSCREAM: (beaming) He's right. Remember that time you tried to--
MEGATRON: Yes, yes, don't remind me!
HOT ROD: Face it; either we keep 'em here, or our secret's out. Next thing we know, they'll be hosting a BotCon in our living room.
OPTIMUS: Or whatever the hell it's called now.
MEGATRON: Anything but that! Alright, I'll let them in.
10 EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE
The long silence has everyone uneasy. Rattrap points at BW Megatron.
RATTRAP: If they kill us, I'm blamin' you, lizard-breath.
Finally the gun turrets swivel back to their resting positions and the main doors open. BW Megatron throws a haughty look at Rattrap, and they all head inside. Then suddenly, a gun turret begins sparking and moving on its own. The malfunctioning turret fires a shot--which scores a direct hit on WASPINATOR, leaving him blackened and smoldering a la Loony Tunes.
WASPINATOR: Oohhh...
11 INT. COMPUTER ROOM
As the collective cast of Beast Wars and Beast Machines assembles, their G1 elders stare with a mix of uneasiness and disgust. Tut asks the first question.
TUT: So...why isn't everyone in their Beast Machines forms?
RATTRAP: (shudders) Hey, do us a favor, kid...don't ask about Beast Machines.
TUT: (points to JETSTORM) Then what're you doing here?
JETSTORM: Auditioning for the next Angry Films production, what's it look like?!
He gets right up to her face and points.
JETSTORM: Is it your job to ask all the stupid questions around here?
Hot Rod steps in to defend her.
HOT ROD: Lay off the kid, needle-butt!
JETSTORM: Make me, Hot Wheels!
They both square off. Optimus Prime steps in.
OPTIMUS: Alright, everyone, knock it off. Enough monkeying around.
PRIMAL: I find your comment offensive and--
OPTIMUS: And I don't have to be politically correct to make a point. We're not getting anywhere by arguing. Megatron?
MEGATRON: Yes?_________________BW MEGATRON: Yesss?
They glare at each other.
MEGATRON: If he meant you, he'd've said 'lizard steaks'.
BW MEGATRON: And if he meant you, he would've said 'NRA'.
The entire group rolls their eyes.
TUT: Okay, how 'bout shorthand? (points to G1) Megs-- (points to BW) --and Rex. Deal?
MEGATRON:(both still glaring) Fine.____ BW MEGATRON Whatever.
OPTIMUS: I think that party idea might actually come in handy, seeing as we can all use an icebreaker.
RATTRAP: (rubs hands together) Eh, now we're talkin'. A little high-grade fuel, some--
HOT ROD: Time out, we got a minor here.
RATTRAP: (snaps fingers) Shucks! Hey, what're you s'posed to be, anyway, kid?
TUT: Token self-insertion character.
RATTRAP: (sighs) Retirement sucks already.
12 INT. GRAND BALLROOM
This isn't so much a ballroom as it is just a large type of audience hall, but Tut, Hot Rod, Rattrap, Waspinator and Starscream are busy decking it out like a ballroom. A table has been prepared to await punch and hors d'vres, and Rattrap balances on Hot Rod's shoulders to hang a disco ball on the ceiling.
RATTRAP: Just a little more...
TUT: Hey, Starscream, do we have a helium tank?
Hot Rod hastily answers instead, making Rattrap wobble.
HOT ROD: No, no, no, we can't have any helium!
RATTRAP: Hey, watch it, it's a long way down!
TUT: (to Hot Rod) Why not?
HOT ROD: Wheelie's deejaying, that's why.
TUT: (shrugs) Okay...so?
Starscream sets down a roll of tape and streamer.
STARSCREAM: Back in the 80's he was addicted to that stuff. It was so bad, he'd show up on the set strung out on it.
HOT ROD: Yeah, he spent most of the 90's in Betty Ford. After that dumb comic in 2001 we had to keep him from relapsing.
TUT: (long beat) ...Alright. That's weird.
STARSCREAM: (counts off) No helium, no balloons...confetti is okay. (mutters) Besides, the beasties can sweep it up.
TUT: Okay. Hey, Waspinator?
This whole time, Waspinator has kept in beast mode, staying a clear distance away from Starscream. He trembles as his answers.
WASPINATOR: Waspinator not want to get possessed again...!
Scowling, Starscream walks over and punches the top of his head.
STARSCREAM: If I could possess you, would I do this?!
WASPINATOR: Owww...
He flutters over to Tut and transforms.
WASPINATOR: What human want with Waspinator?
TUT: Go upstairs to level 2A and find the confetti bin next to the aquarium. There's a switch on it that'll connect it to a ceiling drop.
WASPINATOR: No dangerous assignment for Waspinator? Oh, happy day!
He floats toward the far door. Tut calls after him.
TUT: Level 2A, next to the aquarium!
13 INT. BALLROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Loudspeakers pound out a driving bass line while the spinning disco ball scatters light patterns across the room and its occupants. GALVATRON stands at the buffet table stuffing his face. RAMJET just looks dejected.
RAMJET: Who ate all the toast?
A deep, Barry White-esque voice calls into the microphone on a deejay station at the back of the room.
WHEELIE: For your listening satisfaction, here's a little "Phat Planet" action.
He puts on a disc, and a fast-paced tune recognizable as the theme to Beast Machines starts up. A quintet of Autobots on the dance floor take notice.
GRIMLOCK: Me Grimlock love dance music!
SLUDGE, in dinosaur mode like the rest of his brethren, jumps up and down on his stubby legs.
SLUDGE: Me Sludge do too!
All of them except Swoop start to jump around in a circular prelude to slam dancing. Grimlock addresses Dinobot, also in dinosaur mode and looking on in horrified fascination.
GRIMLOCK: Dinobot, you one of us. You dance too.
DINOBOT: You call that 'dancing', you simple-minded--
SLAG crashes into him sideways.
SLAG: Dinobot dance with Dinobots!!!
The force sends Dinobot flying across the room and into the punch bowl, drenching Galvatron. Enraged, Galvatron fires a cannon blast in response, but misses the Dinobots and instead scores a direct hit on Waspinator. The shot knocks him into the back wall, where he shatters into multiple pieces. The sudden carnage elicits a collective SCREAM from the other partygoers. Waspinator's head lands on the floor.
WASPINATOR: Second time today...
Tut ducks behind the now-overturned buffet table and calls to Wheelie.
TUT: Change the music, quick!
WHEELIE: (changes discs) No need to get excited, fellas, D.J. Wheelie's got something mellow.
TUT: (rolls eyes) Okay...
Wheelie changes discs and starts playing "Porcelain" by Moby. Far from helping, it prompts Galvatron to SCREAM and fire randomly into the crowd.
GALVATRON: I HATE MOBY!!!
As G1 and BW characters alike start scrambling for safety, Wheelie flips switches and rotates discs again.
WHEELIE: Alright, time to chill...here's new music and a confetti spill.
He presses the release button for the confetti drop. To everyone's horror, instead of a soft rain of glitter and paper bits, a massive wall of water and Sharkticons roars out of the ceiling. The flood knocks everyone off their feet and sweeps them toward the doors--there's so much water, you'd think an entire sea on Quintessa opened up, Sharkticons included.
HOT ROD: I said no anchoviiieees!!!
WHEELIE: Oh, shit...!
GRIMLOCK: This Grimlock's type of party!
SLUDGE: Whee!
14 INT. BALLROOM - LATER
The place is a mess. An inch of water and scattered paper utensils cover the floor. Here and there a dazed Sharkticon lies listlessly on its back or side. Everyone else surveys the damage.
HOT ROD: Hey, Kup, this remind you of anything?
KUP: Yeah, yeah, very funny, lad.
TUT: (shrugs) At least the Dinobots stopped moshing...
A Sharkticon next to her BURPS, full on leftover hors d'vres.
TUT: Munch? That you, buddy?
She scritches the top of his head, and he PANTS in a gleeful, breathy sort of way.
RATTRAP: How can you tell those creepy critters apart?
TUT: You can't.
Starscream hands a mop to Waspinator, who stands with a leg and an arm switched out.
STARSCREAM: Well, the welcome party's over...time for you boys to start earning your keep. Have fun!
BW MEGATRON: We wouldn't have this mess if you simpletons didn't keep a Sharkticon tank next to the confetti drop.
STARSCREAM: (folds his arms) And if your lackeys were smart enough to follow directions, our aquarium wouldn't be all over the floor!
Megatron simply walks over to a closet.
MEGATRON: Really. It seems the both of you still have a lot to learn.
He opens the closet, revealing a dark grey figure inside--NIGHTBIRD, who's dressed in a French maid outfit. He reaches behind her and flips a switch on her backpack, and her optics light up.
MEGATRON: Why bark when you have a dog...?
She heads briskly out of the closet, pulling a handle out of her backpack--it's a broom. She immediately sets to work. BW Megatron watches her pass with curiousity.
BW MEGATRON: "Off", "Cook and Clean"...what's the other switch?
MEGATRON: (grinning slightly) You figure it out.
As everyone starts to leave, a helium tank rolls out of the closet and across the floor. It stops at Wheelie's feet, and he carefully looks around. Seeing that no one's noticed, he gives into temptation and picks up the helium tank with a shrug.
THE END
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